"Got Any Grapes?"

On my first day as a susbtitute teacher, I was thinking if karma does exist, I was in trouble. The phrase, "What goes around, comes around," also passed through my mind as I walked to my first classroom.

Substitute teachers were routinely abused where I went to school. That was probably the norm rather than the exception. And this was a middle school I was going to for my first time.

After going through the roll, but before explaining the work left behind by the regular teacher, I told the class, "If you're good and do all your work, I'll tell you the best joke you've ever heard last five minutes of class."

I figured I had nothing to lose. Nothing happens last five minutes of class, anyway. Everyone is looking at the clock and packing their backpacks, getting ready for the next class.

With seven minutes to go a student reminded me in two minutes I had to tell the joke. In another minute, another student lobbied for starting a minute early.

I consented. "A duck walks into a bar." Already they were laughing.

"He asks the bartender, 'Got any grapes?'

The bartender says, 'This is a bar, we ain't got no grapes.'

Next day, the duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender, 'Got any grapes?'

The bartender, somewhat annoyed, says, 'Like I told you yesterday, no. This ain't a supermarket.'

Third day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, 'Got any grapes?'

The bartender, very annoyed, says, 'I already told you twice, no!'

Fourth day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, ' Got any grapes?'

The bartender, now very angry, yells, 'If you ask me one more time, I'm gonna staple your beak to the bar!'

Fifth day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender, 'Got any staples?'

The bartender says, 'No.'

'Well,' says the duck,' Got any grapes?'"

The kids loved it. At lunch, students would walk by and ask if I had any grapes. Walking to my car past the school buses at the end of the day, students poked their heads out of the windows and asked me if I had any grapes.

The next day, I was subbing at the high school. I went to pick up my packet from the secretary. We all know principals don't run schools, secretaries do. With a straight face, she handed me the packet. "Mr. Barker," she said, "Do you have any grapes?"

We both laughed out loud. She explained her son went to middle school and word had gotten around to the high school.

I should have felt good, but I didn't. I had no idea what to do now. It was the only joke I knew.