My Heretical View of Jesus

My dad used to call me a red-letter Christian. I think that meant I paid attention to the words of Christ in red and ignored the rest. I did use the red letters as my basis, but I incorporated other biblical passages into my personal theology that were consistent with the red letters.
I am not comfortable picking and choosing which words of Jesus to use and which to ignore. I have tried hard to incorporate them as a unified whole. Based on my lifetime of study into the historical Jesus and three years in seminary, I humbly offer my heretical look at Jesus.

1) Jesus was wealthy and a his family was of royal Davidic blood and priestly lineage. His friends were rich and powerful people.
2) Jesus was a well-educated priest. He had a thorough knowledge of Jewish law and doctrine.
3) He opposed the Romans and their Herodian puppets. The Romans and Herodians executed him using a Roman form of punishment, crucifixion.
4) His disciples were wealthy relatives.
5) He was opposed to Jewish priests Pharisees who collaborated with the Romans. The father referred to in the cleansing of the temple would  have been Solomon, whom Jesus was related to.
6) Jesus' ministry was largely a critique of the ruling elite. There are many parallels between what Jesus said and the Jewish prophets.
7) The nature miracles were part of traditions surrounding Jewish royal and holy families. There were many reports of miracles during the Maccabeean period as well. The Jewish festival of Hannukkah celebrates one of those miracles.
8) The version of Jesus and his disciples as poor fisherman is due to a lack of understanding of the zodiacal signs (Virgo -virgin; Aquarius - water bearer; Pisces -fish; Aries - lamb) imposed on the Jesus narrative when it combined with pagan sun worship under the Romans. This is why Jesus' birthday is celebrated near the winter solstice and John the Baptist's birthday is celebrated near the summer solstice.
9) Jesus didn't write anything down because his insights were not meant for public consumption, they were designed only for initiates and family members.
10) The parables were designed to give the public insights into the Kingdom of God (which initiates entered into) if they could figure out their meaning.
11) According to genealogies of James, Jesus was married but had no children that had children. His only son, Justus (mentioned in one of Paul's letters) died a celibate ascetic.
In a bible study class once a conservative West Point graduate was reduced to tears during our study of the Sermon on the Mount. He said that if Jesus did nothing else, the message of the Sermon on the Mount made him divine.
I was distressed to learn later in seminary the church's official position on the Sermon on the Mount. That it didn't matter. But it did to the retired military officer. And it does to me. And always will.